For the second time since my mom died a year ago, I dreamed about her. The first time it happened, I dreamed she was dying in the hospital but, unlike the way it happened in real life, she was conscious and I was able to tell her how much I loved her and how she was the *best mother I could have ever wanted and how I *hoped I could be even half the mother she was. I told her how sorry I was for my arrogant and judgmental attitudes and remarks that wounded her here and there through the years, how sorry I was for my selfish ways that hindered our being together when we could have and how sad I was that circumstances beyond my control hindered our being together so many other times.
Last night, though, there were no words... she was just standing there and we hugged for a long time and I remember in my dream how good and soft she felt and how safe I felt.
Oh, God, I miss my mommy and her delicious hugs.
*Fortunately, sometime in the year before my mother died we had a conversation in which I did tell her these two things. There was never a time in my entire life (and I remember being a very young child with this conscious thought) when I wasn't aware that God had blessed me with the best mother in the world. I will always regret that, when it mattered, I did not exhibit the humility to ask her forgiveness for specific ways in which I knew I had hurt her. I know she would tell me now that God's grace was sufficient for her then and His grace is sufficient for me now.
I feel many of the things you wrote about here. But, what you said at the end about God's grace being sufficient...so true. Love you, Mama
Thanks for your thoughts. I love you, too, baby girl.